Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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