so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
