you guys were way drunker than both of me
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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