I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
