Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
