John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
