that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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