You can't special order awesome
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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