I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
