sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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