sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
