I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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