I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
