Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
