All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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