Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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