I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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