my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Who died my cat blue again?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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