I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
