If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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