im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
