I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
