Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
