Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
