He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
