we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Randomize
