If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
