Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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