I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
