R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
