The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
