Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
