you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
