I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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