By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
