My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
