Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize