today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
