I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You ruined the universe
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