Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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