In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
