apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
