Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
