call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
