Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
