So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
