Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
