Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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