she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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