Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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