no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
