i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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