when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I did not marry a roomba.
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