You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
