im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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