My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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