fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
