just come out here and I will go home with you...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
